oh, heavy heart

starting to lose interest in most things, stopped eating most things, stopped setting my alarm clock, stopped turning my phone on ring, stopped brushing my hair out, stopped buying everything, threw out all of my clothes, now all I have is your "new york dolls" t-shirt that I stole from the pile of laundry that you never put away. I spent all of my money on gas, because for some reason, driving with no reason is more appealing than anything else. I ran out of things to watch on television. I started going to the gym and just staring at the people sweating in front of me while I ride on the bike, or climb the rotating stairs. I organized my books from short to tall, and tossed all of the things that once would make up my material future. I no longer have color in my room. My sheets are white along with my lamp and my desk. There is a big stain on the rug from where make up once spilled, my mother will never forgive me for that. Desperately seeking work, second interview earlier today, and I will be waiting by the phone on Friday to hear how they judged me and compared me to the other applicants. I will be so upset if I do not get it, only because then I will know that someone else is preferred over me, for the second time this week, and for the "nth" time in my life.

What is hurting the most is not only my infected ear, but my realization that if he loved me, he would have called me back into his life already. What hurts the most?

Missing you.