little secrets

pt. IV

2012-02-14T00:29:00.000-08:00

Dearest ________,

I am realizing the essentials needed to live everyday of my life. I have lost interest in the things that used to amuse me and take up the space in my head. I had dreamt of my days spent in a warm apartment to myself with furnishings that would attempt to give me comfort, and occasionally going out, bringing someone home, thinking they would be able to provide a warm body for me to lay with. I dreamt of my days being spent working for a Seattle event company, with the occasional island weekend wedding visit. All of these things including an every once in a while music performance would keep me busy, and keep my mind distracted from the question, “why am I here?” All of these things would help me sleep easier at night, so that I could wake up the next day and do it all over again until something walked into my life and took me by surprise, giving me something else to live for, like a companion, a lover, a friend. Without any of those things, I would still be prepared to do this whole plan by myself everyday until I am too sick and old, because if I simply just waited for someone to surprise me or for life to come to an end, I would go crazy and end it early. So just in case there happens to be a surprise coming sometime in the future, I will somehow entertain myself, make myself last until then. But I realize that that plan is no way to spend my time. Because playing shows, singing out loud, and meeting other artists is much more fulfilling to me. I’m stuck wondering if the words, “University of Washington” will truly matter once they are printed on my resume. And if I’ll even want to pursue a job that requires someone to judge what I’ve spent the last four years of my life doing. Because for some reason, life experience, traveling, and building relationships aren’t nearly as qualifying or beneficial as a degree that was earned from writing satisfactory papers about books we never read. Would I be more proud of myself for graduating from a school whose mission matches mine, or from a university that is known across the nation, but doesn’t give me the support I need? That is where I am stuck. What I do know that I want is you. I want to spend my future experiencing new places with a companion who cares about me, my passion for music and love. I know that there is no greater comfort than the idea of spending time with you. I know that you don’t feel that way, especially right now, because for some reason, my wanting you has pushed you further and further away from ever wanting me back. If you never ask for me back, I will forever live, waiting for someone as special as you to come walking back into my life. For someone who has the same sweaty, masculine smell as you; who walks around like no one is better than him, and who is proud to have a girl like me by his side. I know that all I need in life is your presence. I care so much about you. Parts of me hate that you ever came into my life again, because I was on this oblivious path, but I was happy and content, and confident. But since you’ve come around and showed me what real care and trust and passion is, I can’t let you simply slip away.
And that is why I drove to see you even if I knew it was wrong. And that is why I texted, trying to get you to let me come around. And that is why you are no longer a number or name in my phone. Because now I finally know that you don’t want me to be in your life, right now, or ever. And as much as that hurts, I can’t do anything but let you go, and live by yourself. But know that I will never be able to see another man without comparing him to you. And I will never be able to get intimate with anyone but you, feeling any connection. And what scares me the most is that I will not even let myself lay next to anyone else but you.

Sincerely,

Whitney Ballen

pt. III

2012-02-14T00:27:00.000-08:00

Dearest ________,

Today I found out that a large portion of the reason you wanted to stop seeing me is because you had lost your attraction to me.

The timing on hearing this was somewhat unfortunate because last night I went to a friends’ house to rekindle our friendship that we had put to the side a long time ago. He was telling me about a class he took that he felt was the most important class he has ever taken, it was a class about the origin and history of beauty as an image, specifically relating to females. He told me that he thought I was a real definition of beauty, and he kept asking me if I believed his opinion towards me, and I kept saying that I wanted to. Truth is, I’ve never been able to accept any compliments like such, but when you told me I was beautiful, I felt like it. You built me up, made me believe that I was something special, something worth looking at, spending time with, putting trust into, and building a relationship with.

Hearing that you weren’t attracted to me anymore was a very difficult thing for me to hear, especially when I’ve been struggling with my confidence around my body image for so long, it’s even something we had talked about. Hearing that you weren’t attracted to me makes me feel worthless. It makes me acknowledge the fact that you do indeed believe that you are a more attractive human being than me, and that you know you can attract someone much more appealing than me. It especially hurts knowing that every time we connected sexually, you told me things that you really didn’t mean, and I believed you, and that is why I pursued continuing a sexual relationship with you.

The thing is, I have spent so much of my life being a spectator and something that I’ve picked up on is that people who are very aware of their ability to attract the opposite sex, often give up very special things in order to attempt to find something better than that special thing, because they need to boost themselves up, constantly, because they are mostly satisfied with themselves in regards to body image. They can never be satisfied with someone else. You may be searching for someone who listens like I do, but has more of a socially accepting image, and who doesn’t have a blinking problem like I do. But, as you are looking for this person, you will end up being very dissatisfied.

I believe that as much as you don’t want to be like your dad, you have picked up on some of his bad habits. You nor your dad want to stay with one person because as soon as you find yourself opening up to them, you realize you want more, something that might not exist within your reach.

I have done a fair share of thinking over this whole situation and I recognize that I have been very greedy, simply just wanting you to come back to me so that I would feel better about myself, feeling wanted and loved. But I have realized that when we first starting spending time together I worried that I would start to ignore what I wanted in my future in order to support and please you. I understand that you do not support the career goals that I had presented interest in. However, with your comment about not supporting my goals, I have become more confident about what I truly want in the future, and that is to be playing music and singing. That is why I am choosing to pursue it, instead of pursuing a degree from an institution that does not value me as a person, but instead views me simply as a number, a grade point average. I don’t want to support an industry that is completely selfish and gaudy, like event planning. I was trained to believe that getting accepted into an industry like that would be the one thing that would keep me feeling successful and accomplished, and would make others attracted to me. But the truth is that the University of Washington has nothing for me. There is nothing keeping me there. I have made a few friends who I adore, but they are not people that I see myself holding long friendships with. For the past two years, I have convinced myself that I should keep going to classes because I am so close to being finished, and once I’m finished with school, I can start living. But that is very wrong, I should be living right now, and if I cannot enjoy my time in school right now, I will not enjoy it when I am done either. I still want to study communications because I feel like there are things that I still need to learn about others and myself through interpersonal studies. I know you may not agree that I need to attend school to figure these things out, but it is something I want for myself. I am applying to transfer to Western Washington University because I am confident that I will be able to find support in a sense of community there, unlike in Seattle, where everyone is part of a group that is very judgmental and visually concerned with themselves. I feel like moving up to Bellingham and attending Western Washington University will give me the chance to meet a whole new group of individuals who might appreciate the idea of community, art, and music, like I do. I can spend the next year studying there completely unattached from the strains of fitting in down in Seattle. At Western I can really devote my time to writing music, collaborating with others, and building relationships with people that I can grow with and from, people that I can be friend’s with well after school is over.

I very badly want to curse at you for not being honest with yourself earlier in our relationship, when you would compliment me, and make me feel worth something. As much as I want to, I will bite my tongue because it won’t hurt you, like your words have hurt me.

Tell me what makes me unattractive in your eyes. I won’t sleep soundly until then.

Sincerely,

Whitney Ballen

pt. II

2012-02-14T00:25:00.000-08:00

Dearest _________,

I told myself again, do not text him, he does not want to hear from you, he will not respond, it will not relieve you, but I did. I spoke with _________ tonight; he said it’d be best if I didn’t talk to you. I asked him if you had talked with him, and he said that you had. I asked him if he thought it sounded like there would be any chance that you would ask for me back, and he said probably not, and I swear I almost vomited. I cannot imagine my life without reconnecting with you ________. You are my boy. I’ve never felt so sick for so long over someone. There is just a huge hole cutting through my stomach, completely empty. I can’t stop longing for you, wishing that each time my phone rings, your number will show up. I know it won’t happen, and I can’t accept it. I have spent all day, every day, trying to get you out of my head. You keep haunting me, with your little smile, and the way you used to call me baby. No one had ever called me that before. I never felt worthy enough to be loved, like you said you loved me. I’m lovesick _________. I need you, just like you said you needed me, well I really do, and I can’t ever have you, or so it seems. Why won’t you have me back? Are you still in love with her? Do you still think of her as I think of you? It seemed like you had moved past your feelings towards her, since they were young and messy. _______, why can’t you talk to me? Why can’t I lay with you on your good days? I hate not knowing how you are doing. I hate that you deleted me as a friend online and that we can’t even speak. I don’t want to annoy you with my care for you, but my god do I care. I think about coming to see you often, but I know that there is no way it would end well. You keep showing up in my dreams. The first dream you were in, you had messaged me a series of e-mails explaining to me your feelings, and in the end, it resolved positively. I was so happy to know that you were okay, and that I’d be able to see you again. Last night, I dreamt that I was with you in your bed, and we were lying next to each other, and you looked down at me and said, “You are beautiful.” I looked back up at you and said, “_________, don’t say that to me.” You asked why, and I said that you couldn’t tell me that because I knew that you were just trying to make me feel better, and that you were going to break my heart.

What have you been doing this whole time? Have you been in your bedroom? Have you been working on your plants? Have you been working on your music? Have you been seeing anyone? Is your dad still home? Have you been feeling any better about yourself? What are you doing with the money you received from selling your car? Will you be moving? These are all of the things I want to ask you, but I can’t even call you.

I wrote a new song, it is like an old country shuffle. It is the first song I’ve ever written with structure. I’ve been listening to your song, “When I’m faded…” and I keep wanting to hear your voice, but the recordings are just empty tracks. I miss listening to your tapes; it is all I want to hear. You are going to be a pop star _________. I want for you to finish a tape, or something, so that people can hear how great your songs are, how thought out they are, and how special you are as a songwriter. I’m not complimenting you because you used to be mine, and I still love you, but rather I’m being sincerely honest as a listener.

Today I was driving, stopped at a light, and realized that your car is gone. I know you used to say that you hated that car, but the truth is, I loved it. I loved everything about it, even the fact that you kept it a little messy. It smelled like gasoline and oil, and the seats were always cold. I liked that there was nothing stopping me from falling into you on sharp turns, and that when I did, you always held me back.

Do you remember driving around the valley after getting breakfast with your mother? I thought of that drive this morning while I was sitting, waiting at a light. I thought about how I looked at you on that drive, and you looked back at me, and I thought to myself, he is it, he is the one I want forever. I was so sure of myself, and I still am, but only now, I am just scared to death that you will never feel the same. The light from the sun was dim that afternoon; we kept driving, with no music on. I saw myself in one of those farmhouses a few years down the line, just you and me, completely happy, completely content and still enthralled in one another. On that drive, I kept thinking to myself as I looked up to you, wow, this is really love, this is what love is, and I never want to lose this feeling.

You lost it, didn’t you _________? This question hurts me so bad, because right now I know the answer, it is, “yes, yes I did Whitney.”

Sincerely,

Whitney Ballen

pt. I

2012-02-14T00:22:00.000-08:00

Dearest __________,

This is the first letter that I am writing to you. I’m not sure if I will ever send it to you, or if we will even speak again. Oh, please don’t let this be true. I am writing this letter to you because there is so much I want to say, and I feel like suddenly there is this boundary that I am not allowed to cross, which is speaking to you. I feel like each word I’ve spoken since we’ve parted, you lose more feelings for me. I regret driving to your house the Saturday after you asked me to leave your bed. I regret thinking that if I drove up to see you, you’d let me in and we could lay side by side talking it out. I regret that when I left my house that night to see you, I picked up my guitar and thought you’d have me back if I sang to you the song I wrote about my love for you, and singing it through the window. I know that hearing things in that downstairs bedroom of yours is exactly what you do not need. Oh _______, I am a fool though, I am a fool for you.
You used to tell me, “You make me retarded.” But now I feel that way, retarded over you, and retarded for thinking I was good enough to have you forever. I am a fool for imagining my life in 20 years, with you by my side, with a smile on my face. I am a fool for falling in love with your little facial expressions and loud outbursts of singing.
Oh ________, I cried so hard as I left your bed when you asked to be alone, but I bit my lip, and as my eyebrows frowned, I didn’t make a peep until I reached the driveway. I cried that whole way home. I cried the next day, and on the drive up to see if you were ok that Saturday evening, even after I swore to myself that I wouldn’t drive to see you again unless you came to see me. I cried in front of you, trying not to vomit the entire time, while listening to you hesitate to tell me how you felt. I cried that whole way back home, and stayed the night in my car in my high school parking lot, a place that triggers extreme anxiety for me. But, as I laid back in my seat, I watched the sky get a little bit brighter each hour, and finally fell asleep.
I can’t seem to get the feeling of my lips and cheeks against your untamed beard out of my head. The only place I’ve wanted to be is buried into your chest, where there is a slight dip between your breasts, the most comforting smell, the warmest place I’ve ever been. I swear, that concaved area is the closest I’ve ever felt to home.
For the last week I’ve been sick. I visited the urgent care last Tuesday, with a bad ear infection. I was down for days. I stopped eating most things. I drove out to the falls on Thursday, I needed to get outside to try and rearrange my life without you in it. I hiked up the mountain, and ran back down, and stood on the edge of the river bank. The last time I had hiked up that mountain, you were nothing but an angry teenage boy who I had seen over four years ago once in a blue moon in your tight jeans at the studio. The last time I hiked up that mountain, I was sure that in the next few years I would have my bachelor’s degree, working at some design company, trying to make enough money to buy material things for my own apartment, where I’d spend all of my time, being completely alone, dreaming of spending it with someone. The last time I hiked up that mountain, I was thinking about how people would react to my album release this past winter. This time I hiked up the mountain out of breath, sick to my stomach, and unsure of what I wanted before.
I want you _______. I want all of you. I want to lay with you after work and watch television until we both fall asleep like babies. I want to share the blanket with you until I am old and sick and have to stay in another home. I want to take a walk outside when you need to be alone. I wanted to know when you sold your car to the auction, not find out afterwards, like we hadn’t spoke in weeks. I want to know where you are moving, so I can come sleep with you and show you that someone will always love you.
I’m crazy about you ________. I am you right now, a few years ago when she left. I am fighting myself every day to not call you. My bed has become the only place I go during the day. Because God knows that when I leave my bed, I will be reminded of you. My piano player told me he would cuddle with me, for comforts sake. Even a day before I met you, I would have taken any such offers. But when I thought twice about his offer this time there was no way I could ever feel remotely satisfied or calm, if it weren’t you by my side. There are so many questions I have for you _______. The questions that have been lingering in my head, they just make my heart and head ache. I know that if I were to ask you of these questions, you wouldn’t respond and that hurts me the most. I am so tempted to get in my car right now, at 3:39 in the morning, and drive all the way up to Stanwood, just so I can crawl into your bed, wrap my arms around you, and feel your warmth. But I know that if I did, you wouldn’t let me in. So instead, I am holding myself, wrapped up in my bed, with no pictures on the walls, no seat at my desk, no books on the shelf, no records in sight, a pair of ripped jeans on the floor, and a couple of your socks in my dresser, just trying to get you out of my head, thinking what if I never moved back home, would you still love me then?
I know I am right for you __________. I know I am. Tell me that you think my hands are so cute, and that I am yours. Because I know that this time that I have here in this life isn’t meant to be wasted on planning a strangers wedding, it is meant to be committed to someone like you.

Please call me, please let me see you, please hold me, and just please, please, please, mean it.
You were the best surprise I have ever received. I can’t just let you slip away from me to become only a memory.

I love you __________.

Sincerely,

Whitney Ballen

wearing your new york dolls shirt

2012-02-11T23:33:00.002-08:00

I am going crazy, I need to see you, I need you to want to see me.

I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like I am addicted to something that I have run out of, but it isn't anything I can ever get back without your permission, and your interest in me. You will never love me again, will you?

I've been listening to the Smiths all day, all week, and I miss you so much.

2012-02-11T23:33:00.001-08:00

I love you
It's pointless
in my soul
if I live or die
this life

ailment

2012-02-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

I need ginger, or mint, something that will take away my sickness

what happened?

2012-02-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

you were sure that I was the reason you would stop searching

Hello, Western

2012-02-09T23:39:00.000-08:00

2012-02-09T23:35:00.003-08:00

I want to make him think that I don't miss him, so he will want me back. But I can't pretend.

2012-02-09T23:35:00.001-08:00

what the fuck am I doing?!?!?

2012-02-07T13:54:00.001-08:00

I don't know what the fuck I am doing.

a rare gem

2012-02-06T04:03:00.000-08:00

This is Emma Thomson. She is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met. She has the most perfect brown curls, wide eyes, and a heart that is filled with purity and gold. Emma has courage and strength like no other girl I know. She is caring, kind, patient, and smart. Emma is one of my best friends. She doesn't drink until she is sick, or text while I talk, or make me drive her to parties so that she will have a ride home. Emma listens to music that I listen to, likes the art that I like, is determined like I am, and dreams all day long, just like me. She is a beautiful girl, and I am so thankful that we have been able to grow together. Thank you for being a consistent person in my life.

wondering if I should write

2012-02-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

months

2012-02-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

losing weight
breathing in mountain air
perfect proteins
and friends that care

2012-02-01T14:05:00.001-08:00

I moved back home, and now I am surrounded by no one, just like you. And you left me.

oh, heavy heart

2012-01-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

starting to lose interest in most things, stopped eating most things, stopped setting my alarm clock, stopped turning my phone on ring, stopped brushing my hair out, stopped buying everything, threw out all of my clothes, now all I have is your "new york dolls" t-shirt that I stole from the pile of laundry that you never put away. I spent all of my money on gas, because for some reason, driving with no reason is more appealing than anything else. I ran out of things to watch on television. I started going to the gym and just staring at the people sweating in front of me while I ride on the bike, or climb the rotating stairs. I organized my books from short to tall, and tossed all of the things that once would make up my material future. I no longer have color in my room. My sheets are white along with my lamp and my desk. There is a big stain on the rug from where make up once spilled, my mother will never forgive me for that. Desperately seeking work, second interview earlier today, and I will be waiting by the phone on Friday to hear how they judged me and compared me to the other applicants. I will be so upset if I do not get it, only because then I will know that someone else is preferred over me, for the second time this week, and for the "nth" time in my life.

What is hurting the most is not only my infected ear, but my realization that if he loved me, he would have called me back into his life already. What hurts the most?

Missing you.

change the sheets

2012-01-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

here is to a new start, a new feeling about myself.
I may be down, and I may be lonely, but I will shape up, and start running again, just like I used to when I lost him before.

I was happy then.

twizzlers forever

2012-01-20T21:00:00.001-08:00

in the darkness, I will still be awake

2012-01-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

waiting here for you
the snow won't even stop me

lost room, lost wisdom

2012-01-18T17:33:00.000-08:00

I've lost my room, I've lost my treasures, I've lost my money, and I've lost myself.

But I have you.....?

pots and pans and things

2012-01-18T17:30:00.001-08:00

I've always been a dreamer.

But what happens in the meantime? Because I know that the future is going to be just right, but how will I make it there?

on your dad's couch

2012-01-18T17:28:00.001-08:00

no school, no job, in bed all day, awake in the dark, asleep in the sun, cloudy bedroom eyes, scruffy beard and sleepy warm thighs, what are we doing here?

on the piano bench

2012-01-11T02:22:00.002-08:00

in the morning
will you still be here?

I know how I feel

2012-01-11T02:22:00.001-08:00

but I

failer

2012-01-11T02:20:00.000-08:00

things are moving so quick, so fast, so weird.

I am happy, I really am.

but things are changing, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm sorry, I've moved on. I'm sorry, you are growing up and I have grown apart from you.

I have fallen in love with new things, new places, and new bedsheets.

I love him. I do.

2012-01-08T16:12:00.001-08:00

I am the most comfortable when I am laying naked and vulnerable in your arms.

2012-01-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

1) glue
2) copies
3) mailing utensils
4) decorate
5) postal service, ups
6) write
7) helen
8) salad
9) water
10) send em'

a grain of salt

2012-01-07T03:10:00.001-08:00

together we will blend, perfectly

winter

2012-01-07T03:08:00.002-08:00

you've got me sitting here dreaming about you and me
"I try to lose you, I can't. I can't forget you, I can't get enough of you."

before turning back

2012-01-07T03:08:00.001-08:00

I have caught myself falling into ruthless routines.

don't follow her into the dark

2012-01-07T03:07:00.000-08:00

space echo

2012-01-07T03:06:00.000-08:00

and in the night.... oh, and it does get dark

you can be my little farmer boy

2012-01-07T03:05:00.002-08:00

romance novels for youth

2012-01-07T03:05:00.001-08:00

artistry, art history

2012-01-07T03:04:00.000-08:00

constantly

2012-01-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

i used to need

2012-01-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

bridal wear

2012-01-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

where to work? bridal wear?

to u s

2012-01-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

our h o m e

organization

2012-01-03T12:06:00.000-08:00

and all things pure

perfect days

2011-12-26T19:27:00.000-08:00

pretty girls

2011-12-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

together

2011-12-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

PS-

2011-12-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

I do.

in the past, in the future

2011-12-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

1) KEXP
2) The Mountain
3) Jive Time, Sonic Boom, Everyday Music, Bop Street, Easy Street
4) Shows, shows, shows
5) Book, book, book
6) Video
7) Open microphones
8) New songs
9) Band practice
10) Festival Applications

2011-12-22T12:39:00.001-08:00

What do I do now?

1:03 am

2011-12-22T01:01:00.000-08:00

but this winter break isn't so lonley

opaque

2011-12-22T00:55:00.000-08:00

working couples

2011-12-22T00:51:00.000-08:00

pale skin

2011-12-21T23:11:00.001-08:00

up late

2011-12-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidaze

2011-12-11T15:53:00.001-08:00

never thought anyone just wanted my body

(You can't have it, na na na na)

you don't belong here

2011-12-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

you'll never change

prossimo

2011-12-10T11:01:00.001-08:00

On to the next one

They are crawling

2011-12-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

People are everywhere!

not sure

2011-12-09T15:53:00.000-08:00

Is it too late to learn this language? I feel so horrible, such a "Failer." Is it too late to understand the structures and ways of speaking? Procrastination got me, goodness, a whole quarter late.

2011-12-06T01:52:00.001-08:00

day dreaming about a _______________.

these days

2011-12-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

1) No money
2) No job
3) Poor grades
4) Internship
5) Album
6) Shows
7) Band
8) Practice space
9) Running
10) Lack of running
11) Cleaning
12) Paying electricity
13) Rent for apartment
14) Rent for practice space
15) Stomach aches
16) Cold sheets
17) You fuck girls to Bjork
18) Supposedly I sound like a tint of Bjork, says Ryan Van W.
19) Couch to sit on
20) Can't sit on couch, too dirty
21) Germs
22) Girlfriends
23) I miss Nick
24) Car sold
25) Craving Fall City
26) Car sold
27) No time for a job
28) I gave your beer to my sister
29) Un-organized
30) Need a good response
31) You need to stop breaking hearts

we've got to get home

2011-12-03T19:15:00.001-08:00

Ms. Madison

2011-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

they'll say we're being lazy

2011-12-03T19:12:00.001-08:00

Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy

Carbon Monoxide, soon we'll go to sleep.
No one will notice we're gone because we don't have a job to keep.

they'll say we

2011-12-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy

Carbon Monoxide, soon we'll go to sleep.
No one will notice we're gone because we don't have a job to keep.

slow songs

2011-12-03T00:43:00.000-08:00

by Whitney Ballen and the Intimates

2008, oh how

2011-12-02T22:21:00.000-08:00

there was cuddles that lasted all night and all morning
and you never wanted to get up
I could've stayed there for a lifetime, now I only wish we talked

WARSAW

2011-12-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

KRIS ORLOWSKI

2011-12-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

it is getting to cold to function
we've been trying to keep the heat off to keep the costs down but I don't know how long I will last.

we've been taught to love and give

2011-11-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

2011-11-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

The heart I carved on the tree around the initials of yours and mine.

2011-11-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

esquire

2011-11-19T17:43:00.001-08:00

2011-11-14T12:07:00.001-08:00

what do you want from me to please you?

local girl gang

2011-11-13T11:59:00.002-08:00

hidden secrets

2011-11-13T11:59:00.001-08:00

2011-11-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

projects ahead

2011-11-10T15:49:00.001-08:00

There will be a Coloring Pages pt. II coming in 2012.

Including images of couples, intimate moments, and sexual positions.

Beware- some of Coloring Pages pt. II will be Rated 'R'.

*I will be selling the new Coloring Pages as well as the old version at shows starting in January of 2012, make sure to get your copy!

autumn

2011-11-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

cosmia

wild one, wild at heart

2011-11-09T23:14:00.002-08:00

David Lynch made me very scared of you, but in this picture, I can't help but stare at your beautiful locks of hair and badass pose.

holiday charms

2011-11-09T23:14:00.001-08:00

oh, the lights will soon be turned on, alive, more than ever!

our sex lives

2011-11-09T23:12:00.000-08:00

it's none of your business

"I'm sorry, but I think you have a problem getting it up...."

gold parallel banister charm

2011-11-09T23:08:00.002-08:00

I felt a presence. It was cold, it reached out, touched my shoulder blade, told me not to go home. I stayed out past dusk, waited for a sign. I waited for another touch, I could see my breath. Constantly, my head turned around, almost spinning, looking for a stranger, something unknown. I felt your presence as I walked out onto the shore that night, I was not spooked. I was allured.

joanna

2011-11-09T23:08:00.001-08:00

be mine, you are such a poet, a muse

simple, imagery

2011-11-09T23:07:00.001-08:00

last night, what we lost

2011-10-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

I can put flowers in my hair and pretty up my face. I can pray a thousand times that I won't make that same mistake, but you will still look at me the same.

baked

2011-10-28T19:11:00.001-07:00

I want to start a bakery. I don't bake, and I just stopped eating wheat. I want to start a bakery.

when do I become a working girl?

2011-10-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

ocean ocean shores

2011-10-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

hints of green, but mostly orange and browns

2011-10-26T14:46:00.001-07:00

There is almost nothing better than putting on a very worn and loved sweatshirt after a cold run and a hot shower, with wet hair. Who says I have to use a brush and dry my hair with style? No one.

I am guilty of skipping classes, sleeping in too late, spending a long time trying to get to know myself, wasting too much money on tea from coffee shops, and borrowing your internet to search endlessly through blogs and crafty endeavors.

After all, why should I feel so bad? This is fall, it only comes around once a year and it is my favorite season. I am sure that if I explore past fall blog posts on here, of mine, I would find similar statements of guilt and shame. "I am a bad student. I need to start waking up earlier. I feel so bad about being such a slacker."

Perhaps I just need to accept that maybe my body needs this rest, maybe there is something coming up in the near future that will consume all of my energy and I will not have time to sleep then. So, for right now, I will be okay with my poor habits and growing hours of shut eye. And, I will enjoy this tea that I purchased to please myself and support my favorite local coffee shop.

2011-10-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

Winter blues and belly aches

heartbeat

2011-10-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Only those who I try to push away, want me.

flavors of america

2011-10-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

listening to jose gonzalez

2011-10-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

It is becoming fall, the real kind of fall where the air smells crisp and my fingers are constantly cold. Starting to get lonely, need to get some pillows to fill up the empty space in my bed. Sleeping with boys who don't offer me the warmth I need or the comfort I think I might deserve. Driving farther and farther, listening to you sing about God on repeat, not even a true believer. Giving up on you, giving up on myself.

Getting really, really, cold.

2011-10-15T18:14:00.001-07:00

things are okay

johnston

2011-10-11T13:36:00.001-07:00

"True love will find you in the end"

falling in love with an artist

2011-10-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

q-ti's

2011-10-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

higher

2011-10-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

you take another drink

2011-10-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

from what you thought was just water
but there is simply nothing there....

where all of my things hide

2011-10-03T20:20:00.001-07:00

together, to get her

2011-10-03T20:18:00.002-07:00

"Well, do you care about him?" she asked.
"I do, I do a lot."
"Why don't you tell him?" she replied.
"He wouldn't like a girl like me."